i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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