i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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