JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
