So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
