Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I need a beard to bite.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
