She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
