Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
