my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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