I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
