Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize