Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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