I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
