How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
