I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
We won't sleep together?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize