He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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