Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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