Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
