after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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