You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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