I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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