we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
