heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
