I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
