Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
