I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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