I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
