my sisters under your porch take her home
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
