Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
