highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
