Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
