So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Randomize
