New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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