She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize