I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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