She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
