The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
