Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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