how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
