Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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