You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
