Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
