Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
