I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize