I think I just saw someone hide a body.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
