Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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