I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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