No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Is Oprah even human
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
