FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
