that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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