3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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