man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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