I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize