I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
