new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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