How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
