I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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