giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize