You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
