it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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