Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
